Seeking An Alternative To China (Per Today’s Imperial Order)

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Today, all great American companies received orders from the Chosen One, Imperial President-For-Life Donald J. Trump, on Twitter. In order to comply with His Majesty’s wishes, I will lead CleanTechnica‘s effort to start looking for an alternative to China. Thus far, my extensive research has borne out several great alternatives, which I will discuss below.

Some of these alternatives may be useful to Tesla, so I hope they’ll consider them and save time in their compliance efforts. I’d be happy to help them or any other electric car maker with operations in China to deal with this important Imperial issue.

“中国”

This seems to be the top alternative so far. Instead of saying “China,” we could just say it in Mandarin Chinese.

To teach readers and other CleanTechnica personnel how to say this, we will use the most common method of expressing Mandarin words using our writing system (Romanization), called Pinyin.

The first character, in Pinyin, is spelled “zhong.” In the Pinyin system, “zh” is pronounced like a J in English. The letter O is always pronounced as in  “Joe.” The last letters, “ng” are just as in English. Put more simply, one would pronounce “zhong” like Joe+ng.

The second character is spelled “guo.” In Pinyin, the letter G is always pronounced like it is in the English word “Gut” or “Gary.” The letter U, in this case, makes a W sound. The O, as in the last character, is pronounced like “Joe” in English. Perfect pronunciation is a little more complicated, but this is a great start for those just starting to learn Chinese.

Mandarin is a tonal language. It has 5 tones each word might have, based on low-to-high pitch or note.

1. High tone
2. Rising tone
3. Drop and rise tone
4. Fast drop in tone
5. Neutral tone

The first character uses #1, and the second one uses the rising tone (#2). Pinyin expresses these tones with marks above the words. In this case, 中国 is written as Zhōngguó.

I know this can be confusing to new Mandarin speakers, so here’s a quick video showing how Zhōngguó is said:

“The Middle Kingdom”

I know that our God-Emperor doesn’t like foreign things that much (except when they bring him sexual pleasure or appeal to his ego, of course), so I have another alternative that might just fit the bill.

Instead of pronouncing China in its native tongue, we can simply go with a literal translation.

中, or Zhong, literally means “middle.”

国, or guo, literally means “kingdom” or “country.”

By calling China “The Middle Country” or “Middle Kingdom,” we can avoid going crossways with His Eminence’s aversion to foreign things. Of course, keep in mind that the Emperor is not a snowflake, and is thus never offended by anything. Offense is something that only happens to the pathetic enemies of His Holiness, those known as the “liberal cucks.”

When referring to Beijing, it might also be good to say “The North Capital,” another literal translation.

Other Alternatives We Might Consider

• 中华人民共和国, Zhōnghuá Rénmín Gònghéguó, or The People’s Republic of China.
• The People’s Republic
• Dynastic names, such as Han or Tang, are sometimes used to refer to China. The word “China” refers to the Qin dynasty, so we might choose others.
• The latin “Sina”
• Cathay, an ancient innacurate term used for China.
• Red China
• The Heathen Chinese
• Those damned good-for-nothing cheating commie chinks and gooks (His Royal Highness will probably like this one a lot)

Final Thoughts

It should be obvious by now that this article was written with tongue firmly in cheek, but with an important point: Trump is a president, not a dictator. His powers are limited, and he has no authority to order anyone but military personnel, and even that power has limits. We wouldn’t want that to change.

Trade with our fellow humans on other continents and in other countries is vital to our economy. Even if Trump had the power to dictate things like he pretended to today, that wouldn’t change at all. There are economic principles that we can ignore, but we cannot be immune to their consequences through the power of ignorance.

Unfortunately, Trump doesn’t seem to understand this, and the implications for clean energy are massive. Trade in intellectual property, minerals, and completed clean energy products (such as solar panels) are all affected by this insane trade war. In the case of clean energy technology, the negative impacts are likely intentional.

I mocked Trump in this piece, but don’t let my mockery and the mockery of others lull you into a false sense of security. Just as Republicans were quick to frequently remind us during the Obama administration, it’s important to keep presidential power limited to its constitutional limits. We must make it clear that as citizens with rights, we won’t be wantonly bossed around by our public servants.