BioBidet on a fancy toilet
There is a squeamish, yet widely accepted, sentiment toward the business end of our digestive tract. While fecal-centric jokes will always have a place in society, we get a bit standoffish when it comes to talking about the actual maintenance of the area surrounding our human trash chutes. There are no shortage of memes, misogynistic tropes (women don’t fart, et al), and cringe-worthy conversations about something as simple as wiping our butts.
Now, with a national focus on toilet paper shortages, we’re suddenly willing to be a bit more... open. Bidets, a staple of regular bathroom fixtures across Europe and Japan, are suddenly having a moment in the United States. If you haven’t used a bidet, then you haven’t truly been clean after pooping. Sure, you might use wipes or three seashells, but there is something just refreshing about a pressurized spritz of water in the only place on your body that you hesitate to insert a finger into.
Our attitude toward bidets in this country is like our attitude toward healthcare. We're aware it exists, but we're not sure what it does or who it's really for. We know everyone should have one regardless, except big hose won't allow it thanks to aggressive and consistent lobbying. At the same time, we think we can survive without it and gleefully and ignorantly continue to just scrape a ball of paper across our waste-laden skin.
Think of it this way; would you rather attempt to clean your car with a staggeringly dry towel, scraping the dirt off, or drive it through a car wash, shooting it clean with pressurized water?
Now that you’ve perhaps paused mid-wipe to think that this process would in fact be more enjoyable with the introduction of water rather than processed tree pulp, bidet companies are upping production and presenting adaptable bidets (ones that are an attachment, or toilet seat replacement rather than a separate piece of ceramic plumbing) as a viable alternative to toilet paper instead of the niche product they once were.
The Bio Bidet Bliss BB-2000 is one such bidet. This beast of a bidet replaces your toilet seat, not the porcelain throne, and is a $699 luxury butt machine. It not only has a 3-in-1 nozzle system for supreme cleanliness, but it has an auto wash feature, pulsating and massage cleaning, softer settings for certain genitalia, a self-cleaning nozzle and an on-demand heating system.
That's right kids, instead of spraying stinging cold water up your bum, this thing heats the water first to provide a warming clean instead of a frosty blast. It comes with a remote control with a lot of buttons to control the type of water stream you want freshening your backside. This is a surprisingly efficient and solid bidet, a nozzle casing made from stainless steel for durability and cleanliness.
That nozzle holds three spray ports, instead of having three separate nozzles. The first is the vortex water stream for your standard blast of water. The second aims right for the middle of the tire fire that is your human sewage pipe and the third is a softer feminine wash with bubble infusion technology.
But this bidet didn't fit on my toilet and requires AC power through a much-too-short plug, so I settled for testing out the $59 Bio Bidet Slimedge. This is an attachment that uses existing water pressure to clean your flappy upper thigh skin with dual nozzles and two settings to go with them. It's fairly easy to attach (no different from attaching any bidet really, split the water line at the tank and screw on some including plumbing lines) and is a simple and cheap option to add the sheer pleasure of a spray of water where you need it most.
It should be noted that most of the Bio Bidet bidet products are currently sold out on site. Its Aura A7 elongated smart bidet toilet seat is available at Sam's Club for $199. It might still be easier to buy a bidet than a roll of toilet paper. It would certainly be cleaner to do so.
Most of the products that Bio Bidet produces are fairly affordable and available on Amazon (though there is a delay right now on shipping). Bio Bidet experienced a rush of sales when the COVID-19 lockdowns settled in, but is working to put more bidets out into the world.
“Since the recent surge of bidet awareness related to COVID-19, we’ve seen over $4M in sales,” says Spencer Weidner, Media Manager at BioBidet. “We’re working very closely with our factories to fast track production and are prepared to meet this challenge head on. We recognize the benefits our products offer and are making daily efforts to prioritize those in need. Our team remains fully committed to supporting customers new and old throughout this difficult time.”
It's not hard to imagine a world with clean butts. While we've become accustomed to using fistfuls of paper to scrape away our waste product, a good portion of the world has already figured out that spraying their butts with water is a much more sanitary option. With all the terrible crap happening right now to the economy, to our sanity and finances, the small satisfaction of a freshly spritzed backside should elicit a small slice of happiness in an otherwise dark transition to the new normal.
